Ask Malia: Spending Summer on the Road Wrecked Sleep

Dear Malia,

I’m afraid we’ve gotten into some bad sleep habits this summer. My kids (aged 10 months and 4 years) had been doing great with their sleep routines, but this summer we’ve been on the road traveling, camping, and visiting friends, and we’ve let things slide. Now we’re getting back into a fall routine at home, and the 4-year-old starts preschool in two weeks, but sleep isn’t going so well.

With all of the sleeping-on-the-go, the baby has gotten used to napping in his carseat, carrier, or stroller, and now he’s having a tough time falling asleep on his own in his crib. The 4-year-old used to sleep through the night in her own bed, and now she’s coming into our room a few times during the night. (When we traveled to hotels and friends’ homes, she often slept in our bed with us, but at home, we’d like her to sleep in her own room). I feel terrible that we may have “ruined” our formerly good sleepers! Please help!

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First order of business: please cut yourself some slack! When it comes to kids, I firmly believe that there is no such thing as a “bad sleep habit”—sometimes, we take sleep shortcuts to get us through stressful, transitional times. I think of these periods as “sleep survival mode”: we’re just doing our best to get kids to sleep, whether that means letting them sleep in our beds, driving them to get a nap in, or patting them to sleep. Remember, you can always get back on track in the future—sometimes we just need to focus on getting through the present. Spending nearly all summer on the road with two young definitely qualifies as stressful (I mean—fun!), and I’m betting you had your hands full just getting from point A to point B. So stop beating yourself up! Your situation is completely normal and totally fixable.

Now that you’d like to get back to a normal routine, it seems like both kids are having trouble making the transition. Remember that it’s completely acceptable to communicate to children that family rules may adjust slightly when you’re away from home. I know that all of the parenting literature stresses consistency above all—and as parents, we feel guilty when we can’t be 100 percent consistent about sleep or discipline. But really, kids are residents of the real world, and in life, our behavior depends on the environment we’re in. It’s OK to teach them that some family rules depend on context—i.e. our surroundings and situation. So, as you work toward getting their routines back on track, feel free to tell them that “that was how we did things on vacation. At home, these are the rules.” Simple as that, and no guilt required.

To begin, I recommend tacking one issue at a time, in order to be gentle to both yourself and the kids. First, after a long summer spent on the road, your kids may be overtired. (Check out this blog post on spotting the symptoms of overtiredness, and this one on correcting overtiredness.) Begin with earlier bedtimes to wipe out any residual overtiredness before making drastic changes to their routines. Otherwise, overtiredness will thwart your efforts, because very tired children have a harder time falling asleep and staying asleep.

Next, I would start with the baby: once he is napping well, you’ll have more time and mental energy to focus on your older child. To get your 10-month-old back to napping in his crib, please see this post on helping a baby with a “motion” sleep association to sleep in his crib. This tactic works for older babies, and will work with any “move to sleep” association, including being rocked to sleep, driven to sleep, or carried to sleep. The trick is using a gradual progression.

Once he’s napping in his crib, work on the 4-year-old’s bedtime. First, ensure that her bedtime routine is rock-solid and that you’re communicating to her with your actions that you’re committed to a healthy, full night of rest for the entire family. (Preschoolers are smart little things and they pick up on nuance, so your language, vocal tone, and body language should convey a firm, friendly attitude toward bedtime and sleeping in her own bed.)

Then check out these posts on “stopping the bed hop” and helping a child adjust to sleeping in a solo bedroom.

Above all, ditch the guilt up about adopting a temporary “sleep survival mode” mentality—we all bend our routines sometimes. That’s why I advocate for flexible routines—they bend, and they bend back. Good luck getting back into the swing of things.  

Sleeping Well During Those (Last Few) Summer Nights

Now that we've rounded the corner that is mid-August, back-to-school ads are picking up steam. But here, we're still on "summer time" for a couple more weeks. If you're having trouble getting your kids to bed down during the (still) long, sunlight nights of summer, check out my latest King 5 Parent to Parent segment:

It's based on this blog post at the ParentMap site, which originally appeared here.

Enjoy these final, fleeting weeks of summer! I know I will. Now excuse me while I go wash up the blackberries we picked today, hang our damp swimsuits out to dry, and remind myself (over blackberries and vanilla ice cream) that summer's not gone yet.

Ask Malia: A Soggy Situation

Hi Malia,

I have a question for you about nighttime diaper leaks. My 10-month-old son wakes up completely soaked almost every morning. I've followed all of the advice on the blogs about a using a larger-size diaper and using a diaper booster, but even with all of that, he's still waking up wet—sometimes as early as 2 a.m. I don't know what to do! And even if he doesn't leak, his diaper is so full when he wakes up at 3am that I think he's waking up because he's uncomfortable. He's usually a 10 hour sleeper without interruption but this week has been horrible with the diaper problem. Do you have any suggestions? He still has a bedtime bottle as part of his routine and is asleep by the time he's done. Do we need to change that routine?

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Ideally, night is when our body slows down and relaxes. But if we're too full (or waterlogged) when we hit the sack, our body is busy digesting (and, in your son's case, wetting). If he's getting that soggy at night, it may be a sign that he's getting overfilled a bit before bed. You can reduce the amount of that bottle without reducing his overall food intake--if he gets an 8-ounce bottle, try reducing that to 6 ounces and putting the extra 2 ounces in another bottle. So you increase his morning bottle by an ounce, and his midday bottle by an ounce. If that works you might continue to reduce the amount of the nighttime bottle by another ounce or two, adding the extra ounces to other bottles during the day.

As long as he's growing appropriately and getting enough food, there isn't a need to stuff him to the gills before bedtime. In fact, there's some evidence that sleeping with a really full tummy isn't conducive to the best-quality sleep. Best for him to get most of his calories during the day and just a bedtime snack at night.

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Update: sometimes I get the pleasure of hearing a follow-up from parents on how my advice worked. Here's the note I just received from this mom:

Malia, Your suggestion completely saved us. He has hardly had a leak since we took him down to 7 ounces at bedtime and has no problem finishing his 9 ounces in the morning. So that, paired with a change to Huggies and the diaper doubler/insert is working great!

Growing Up: Sleep (I'm a columnist!)

Like many professional writers, I wear lots of hats (or rather, juggle them). One role I particularly enjoy is columnist—it has a nice ring to it, right?—for Charlotte Parent magazine. As the author of their monthly Growing Up column, I’ve covered all sorts of parenting topics, from swearing to friendships to traveling with kids in tow. Each new topic stretches me in a new direction, introducing me to new experts, fresh ideas, and super families. It’s been fun and educational, for me, and—I hope—for readers, too.

For August, lo and behold, my editor gave me the chance to write about favorite topic: sleep. This article gives sleep advice in an “ages and stages” format, with top tips suited for every age, from tot to teen. The brief, newsy format is fun to write and a breeze to read. Take a peek here.

More Help for Shared Bedrooms

A couple of weeks back, I answered a sleep question from a mom with two young boys sharing a bedroom. It struck a chord with my friends and readers on Facebook—it seems that bedroom-sharing is quite common. So I want to offer a bit more help. My article “Bunking Up: The Benefits of Having Siblings Share a Bedroom” (in ParentMap magazine) dishes the dirt on why it’s worthwhile to have sibs share space (a closer sibling bond and easier bedtimes are two biggies!).

My Parent 2 Parent segment on the same topic, which aired on King 5 News this spring, gives tips on making a shared bedroom scenario work for your family. So please take a peek if you're struggling with shared-bedroom woes, or if you're thinking of taking the bunk-bed plunge soon.